You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
