halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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