I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
