Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
