Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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