I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
