i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
