Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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