I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
