btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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