hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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