a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
