I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
