That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
