remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
