It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
