I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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