Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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