Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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