I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
