Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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