if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Two words: blizzard sex
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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