Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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