got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
