i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
