I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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