At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
