we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
