I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
