my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize