I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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