I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This house was built for laser tag.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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