It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
