I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
