I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
