im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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