It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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