capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
