I never want to see another naked old woman again.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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