his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
