I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My balls are so social today.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
