Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
