I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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