I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
