Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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