A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I did not marry a roomba.
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