i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
