dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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