he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
