If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
